Chasing Cars://Are You Ready For This?

Oh look, this entry’s title is yet another song. Pity me for having no talent whatsoever in entitling my writings. -_-

My life has been overhauled by someone I’d call JB. I don’t want to write about love but wth. What is there to write anyway? School? Family? Friends? Crap. I don’t even deserve to be called a writer. The grades I got from creative writing classes tell me, “Did you good huh, changing your mind about taking up CW.” Indeed. Not only does my imagination need widening, my grammar and vocabulary, too, needs expanding and, well, sharpening.

So, I love someone. And then what?

You could make it last, said Natz. And I thought, yeah, I could. We could. Although we’re not officially a couple. Yet. No rush. I don’t think I’m ready for another commitment anyway. Or maybe I am. We’ll see.

Love is a decision. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but a few have. Well, not completely, though. They all said something like, “maybe” or “it could be” or “it depends”. Yeah, it’s not always a decision. Sometimes it just occurs to you that, well, you love some crap of a person. But in my case, this time, it was a decision.

I used to believe that love is dead. Well, it did die for me at some point. As I’ve told JB, it was frozen to death by the Ice Queen. I was the Ice Queen. I stopped believing that I was capable of loving. You know, that kind of love— the crappy kind of love that makes you all mushy and shitty at the same time, all because you’re all over this one person, and you somehow couldn’t believe it yourself.

We’ll do it all, everything, on our own.

I put up a frozen wall around me, an invisible guard to deflect Love, the maker and destroyer. And then someone came along, bringing with him a flame that melted the defense. And here I am, giving love another shot. I am, after all, just an angst-ridden teenager who needs love as much as everyone else does.

And he… solitude to him was serenity. He was not human; he believed so himself. He said he was born a human. But as he aged, he was fed with hate and all its kith and kin, until his soul wandered off, leaving him a body of skin, flesh, bones, and blood, and a heart that beat only for him to go on existing.

I wanted to shun him. But something in my head asked, what for? And I had answer. Only, the answer was utterly moronic. And I am not a moron. -_-

Did he scare me? He did. He still does. I fear the power he has over me.

We don’t need anything or anyone.

But as I have said, love prevails and love lives. Conquer me, I said. Conquer me, I say again.

If I lie here, if I just lie here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Fuck the world and all its convictions. We could always live in our own little world, believing what we want to believe. We are not escapists, we are believers.

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel.

Where he is white, I am black. But we are infected with each other. He is the Yin, I am the Yang. We are two peas, but not from a single pod. We are not the same, we are different. And isn’t sameness the basis for compatibility? Well, I don’t believe in compatibility. I believe in chemistry.

Those three words are said too much. They’re not enough.

“Happy? Yes. But not completely. A part of me lays broken deep within the realm of sadness.”

I will find that sadness, wherever it is, and destroy it, he said. He did.

If I lie here, if I just lie here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I could be totally unrealistic. But what is reality anyway? Fuck it. To quote Blanche DuBois, “I don’t want realism! I want magic!” Lol. I’m not as crazy as she is though. I want truth. And reality is the bitter truth. Magic makes it sweet. Sweet, sweet magic. Reality is coffee, magic is sugar. And as in everything, there should be balance. What an analogy. Way to go, sucker. -_-

Forget what we’re told before we get too old. Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

Will he ever get to read this? I wonder. He’s not the type who’d visit blogs, no.

Everyone can call me easy, I won’t mind. I’m not hypocritical, that’s why. I’ve decided to love someone I hardly know. I am in love with a face, with a voice, and with a character.

Let’s waste time chasing cars around our heads.

It sure feels good to be able to say this to somebody again: I love you…

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

…Josh. : )