Here Comes July

In my twenty years on earth, I have met hundreds and hundreds of people whom I, at some point, considered friends. As the cliché goes, No man is an island. Over the years, I have learned not only of the need for companionship but also the fact that friends aren’t just friends: you have friends lang, close friends, super friends, and of course you have a best friend.

I’ve had my fair share of best friends. When I first went to school (it was in a local day care centre), I made friends with a girl whose name starts with an L. I forget what her name is now. She was the first of the many best friends I had in my lifetime.

In high school, I met April. She was my BFF. The forever was changed to five though. Five years. In those five years, we exchanged letters, spent time smoking in parking lots, cried over Korean romance flicks, ate 711 hotdogs, and played our parts as best friends to each other.

I had wanted to write about her weeks earlier, when I came across a shoebox where I kept the remainder of the letters I had received in high school. Hers were the most. We were almost inseparable back then. Until college.

When the UPCAT results came, we figured our bestfriendship would undergo inevitable change. I went to college in UP Diliman. She went to UP Clark. Until our second year in college our relationship remained almost unchanged. I had believed then that nothing could break it. We were surrounded not by a fragile piece of glass but by a stone wall that only grew more solid over the years. I was wrong though.

Trust love to destroy what it had created. When she broke up with her boyfriend in 2005, she was devastated. Being the first bf/gf relationship she had been into, the ending devastated her. As a remedy to loneliness, she tried to find someone who can take her mind off her ex.

At that time, I had a huge crush on one of my orgmates. I guess you could call it that. I used to tell my best friend stories about him like how funny he is and how good he is at playing the guitar. I have written about this in the past. The post was called July. The guy was another friend’s brother in their fraternity. One day my best friend decided to get herself a textmate. That’s what’s uso these days anyway. So she contacted our friend.

BF: Uy, pahingi naman ng textmate.

F: Anong gusto mo?

BF: Ikaw bahala, basta matino.

F: Eto, *** ang name.

BF: Yan ba yung crush ni Kat?

Okay. So she knew. Nevertheless, she went ahead and got his number and made him her new textmate. She was even insensitive enough to text me and say, “Uy, katext ko si ***. Nakakatuwa siyang kausap.”

That started the fall out. It was to be followed by other things that would break us apart to the point that we no longer consider each other friends.

I know it’s pathetic but if I were in her shoes I would have avoided that from happening by telling our friend, “Wag yun. Iba na lang”. She didn’t though.

I guess we really weren’t meant to be best friends. Our zodiac signs say so. She being a cold hearted Aries and I, the total opposite of it, a Piscean.

That incident made me cry. Especially when she told me she thinks she has fallen in love with *** no matter how pathetic that seems since they’ve only known each other then for two days and haven’t even seen each other in person.

This wasn’t the first time this happened to me. Way back in high school I have liked a guy for years. One of my closest friends whom I considered my confidante then became that guy’s girlfriend. She had always denied that she liked him, although I always had doubts she was telling the truth. I trusted her. So when I found out that she was suddenly in a relationship with the guy, I cried. I cried because I felt that I was lied to. Trust, for me, is the core of every friendship.

Twice that trust had been broken by these two girls whom I have considered my closest friends. That’s what makes me cry. Maybe some people would think I’m too sensitive or dramatic, but that’s how it is. Losing friends hurt me but I cannot be friends with people I don’t trust.

I was able to forgive though. I became friends with the both of them again but circumstance had made the friendship weaker and weaker until it was suddenly gone. I’m too lazy to make a complete account of what really happened with the two girls and their relationship with me. Both girls though, ended up crying over the two guys. The guy from high school turned out to be a total asshole of a boyfriend while the guy from college stopped texting my best friend after seeing her picture (don’t get me wrong, it was a pretty picture) saying he won’t be able to text her anymore since he’d be very busy with his thesis.

I don’t want to tell any more of these stories. Right now I have three people I consider my best friends. One is a girl from high school whom I had always been friends with. No matter how seldom  we see or talk to each other, our friendship stays the same. The second one is the friend who gave ***’s number to my ex-best friend. He was also a friend from high school. We go to the same school. The last one is a guy I met at my previous job. He was one of my team mates there. We shared the same likeness for music and Japanese stuff  and smoked together almost every single work day.

These three friends, I never lie to them. If you were my friend, you can trust me not to lie to you. I lie to my parents but not to my friends.

I don’t like this post at all.

Oh My God

I thought I’d never be able to log back in using my computer! Will update soon. Busy. T_T

Happiness

I remember back in my first year in college, I wrote a paper about happiness. I forget what kind of academic paper it is, but we were supposed to make the abstract concrete. I wrote about happiness because at that time, I had a book called Happiness in a Nutshell. I liked that book a lot but for some reason I had lost it.

I was probably a happy kid back then. I remember vaguely how those days were like though. Probably the same as how days are now, only easier. Oh, the easy days of my life. No, my UP Life.

Well, those days are gone now. Not even in my memory are they clearly recorded in full. There are bits and pieces that are unforgettable but some details have been lost. Today though, I am happiest.

My ex went to my apartment last Friday, but we didn’t meet. I wasn’t there when he came (I was at the salon ). He left a letter under my door. It’s all over. He said that after reading my previous post, he came to his senses and realized how harsh his words were and that he would like to take them back. Oh well. It’s over and done but forgiveness has already been granted. I’m glad that he’s finally moving on.

What makes me even happier is the fact that I am typing this entry with my new laptop!!! Woohoo! I love my dad. He made me use his credit card to buy this lovely Toshiba baby. Hoho. <3 Just for your information, I used to have an Acer Travelmate that my dad had bought for my eighteenth birthday whose specs are ¼ of what the new one has. It’s turning three this November and it currently belongs to my mom whose main use for a computer is playing 101 Talismans and going online over YM and Friendster (Yes, she has a Friendster account. LOL).

The old laptop’ specs: 15.4”, Intel Celeron M, 256mb RAM, 40gb HDD

The new laptop’s: 14.1”, Intel Pentium Dual Core, 1gb RAM, 160gb HDD

This is as far as I can go as to describing the specifications of the two computers. Lame! I do know that both have IGMA graphics card though. Oh, and the Toshiba has a webcam! Let’s go camwhore! XD Unfortunately though, it seems to have two dead pixels. I don’t know. It has a blue dot and a small dot on its screen but I couldn’t care less. I just hope they don’t replicate. O_O

So there, I’m happy now. I’d be happier though if we had DSL. Oh, I’ll never know contentment. :O

To You

You know who you are. I can’t believe I’m thinking of deleting this blog I have kept for more than two years because of you. I don’t know what you’re planning to do next. Kill me perhaps? Would that make you finally happy? Say what you want to say. Go ahead and fucking curse me.

AGAIN: YOU DON’T FUCKING OWN ME.

You don’t have any right to call me a coward because you are a bigger coward. Remember how you didn’t even have the balls to tell me you got kicked out of Mapua and how I only got to find out almost a year later? I never imagined this would end like this. I know I’ve been a bitch towards you after the break up but I couldn’t help but feel irritated because you won’t leave me be. 

Oo nga pala you told me hindi ka na mangungulit. Gusto mo malaman kung bakit ayokong makipagusap sayo? Kasi I’m waiting for you to get over it before we become friends. Hindi mo kasi magets yun eh. Isipin mo nga, nung nagbreak ba kayo ng ex mo, naging friends ba kayo ulit ng mabilisan? And are you even friends now? Wag kasi kung ano ano sinasabi mo sakin. Tingnan mo muna sarili mo.

[By the way, you told me you’d stop pestering me. Wanna know why I refuse to talk to you? Because I’m waiting for you to get over it before we become friends. You can’t seem to understand that. Think about it, when you and your ex broke up, did you become friends right away? And are you even friends now? Stop talking shit about me. Try looking at yourself first.]

You left the girl without even breaking it up formally. At least I had the balls to give ours closure. You know what I think? I think I have bigger balls than you do. You’re all dick.

So honestly, tell me. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do you want me to pay for everything I owed you? Do you want me to give back everything you bought for me? I would if I could. I honestly wish I could. Para hindi mo na ko masumbatan.[So you could stop telling me I’m ungrateful]

Ian told me to apologize and to do it in a nice way. I know it’s the right thing to do, so yes, I am sorry. I’m not saying this just because I was told to do so or because it’s what’s right. I am doing this to put this to a close and because I know you deserve an apology. Think what you want to think. Say what you want to say. You prolly hate me now for being a bitch towards you but what can I do? That’s how I am.

I just can’t be friends with someone who has feelings I cannot return. So what I intended to do was make you hate me until you’re over me. I guess I got that. Problem is, I honestly believed you can’t hate me this much. I mean, to the point na sinusumpa mo na ko. [I mean, to the point that you’re already condemning me.]

So much for I can never hate you. Liar. This is why I don’t believe such things. They aren’t possible.

And if you’re still wondering why I broke up with you, here is why:

1. You’re far. I never lied about it. Believe what you want to believe.

2. I can’t reason with you. You tell me I hate losing an argument, well so do you. I hate how you seem to think of yourself capable of changing the world. Wake up. You’re not an RPG hero. I, on the other hand, am facing reality and am being as realistic as I can.

3. I am not in love with you. I was before. Not anymore. If you think it’s not possible for someone to move on that quickly, think again.

4. You make me feel like a whore. You fuck me and pay me for it. That’s how it feels sometimes. I honestly regret ever believing you never wanted anything in return for what you do for me and give me. 

And about this:

d ko nmn bnabalikan ung dati ah. tapos na un. nkkabastos lng tlga ung gngwa nya. tpos ngdrama p cya sa gnagawa ko dw prang d ko naramdaman na mnahal nya ko dati. eh cno kya smn? d namamancn. makkipagusap man laging galit. cno kya smn ang wlang utang na loob? nkkapang init cya ng dugo. leche cya. gago.

after nung lahat ng ngyri smn, tpos nung ok na skn na mgkaibigan n lng kmi, ayw p dn nya? ano pakiramdam nung ganun? prang basahan d b? tinatapon n lng bgla. kung ayw nya magkaibigan eh d mgkaaway. bwisit cya ibabaon ko cya. tngnan lng ntn kung umunlad yng buhay nya.

Hindi ako nagdrama. That’s how you’re making it seem. Na ginamit lang kita. Tangina. Kung gwapo ka sana pwede mo yang sabihin sakin. Hindi ka naging trophy boyfriend because you don’t qualify as one. Murahin mo pa ko ng murahin. I’m not gonna pretend na hindi ako affected pero sana isipin mo man lang muna bago mo sabihin. I meant it when I said “Let’s be friends.” Unfortunately you thought it meant “Let’s be friends right after we break up.” It’s not like that. That, I think, is not possible.

[That wasn’t drama. That’s how you’re making it seem. That I just used you. Motherfucker. If you were hot then I guess you could tell me that. You were never a trophy boyfriend because you don’t qualify as one. Go ahead and curse me as much as you want. I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not affected but I hope you think before you speak.  I meant it when I said “Let’s be friends.” Unfortunately you thought it meant “Let’s be friends right after we break up.” It’s not like that. That, I think, is not possible.]

I guess this is what learning a lesson the hard way means. Don’t worry, you might just be the last man to get into a relationship with me. My last victim, if you find it more appropriate. I’ve had it with men.

We had good, no, great times together. And I honestly thought ours was the best relationship I’ve been into. But I think otherwise now; after reading those humiliating words from you. Hindi naman ako ang nasisira sa mga ginagawa mo eh. I could say that I have made a reputation for myself in this blog over the years. I’ve been totally honest with my audience, so wala kang masasabi na makakasira sakin. And should you want to be reminded of how much I honestly loved you in the past, read this again: Chasing Cars

[ We had good, no, great times together. And I honestly thought ours was the best relationship I’ve been into. But I think otherwise now; after reading those humiliating words from you. By doing this, I’m not the one you’re destroying.  I could say that I have made a reputation for myself in this blog over the years. I’ve been totally honest with my audience,so you can’t say anything that would destroy me. And should you want to be reminded of how much I honestly loved you in the past, read this again: Chasing Cars]

I’M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

OH NOES!!!!!!!!!! XO I can’t believe it! I’m really really really really going back to UP! O_O

I’m scared. 

On another note, I just found a new dartboard:

 
 GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I HATE KIMBERLY CALDWELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIE BITCH DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, yeah, I’m overreacting, I know. But still, WHY HER????? Adam Lazzara being engaged wit Chauntelle DuPree didn’t bother me as much ’cause I though Chauntelle was one fine girl. But this one!? David Cook… has bad taste. T_T