To You

You know who you are. I can’t believe I’m thinking of deleting this blog I have kept for more than two years because of you. I don’t know what you’re planning to do next. Kill me perhaps? Would that make you finally happy? Say what you want to say. Go ahead and fucking curse me.

AGAIN: YOU DON’T FUCKING OWN ME.

You don’t have any right to call me a coward because you are a bigger coward. Remember how you didn’t even have the balls to tell me you got kicked out of Mapua and how I only got to find out almost a year later? I never imagined this would end like this. I know I’ve been a bitch towards you after the break up but I couldn’t help but feel irritated because you won’t leave me be. 

Oo nga pala you told me hindi ka na mangungulit. Gusto mo malaman kung bakit ayokong makipagusap sayo? Kasi I’m waiting for you to get over it before we become friends. Hindi mo kasi magets yun eh. Isipin mo nga, nung nagbreak ba kayo ng ex mo, naging friends ba kayo ulit ng mabilisan? And are you even friends now? Wag kasi kung ano ano sinasabi mo sakin. Tingnan mo muna sarili mo.

[By the way, you told me you’d stop pestering me. Wanna know why I refuse to talk to you? Because I’m waiting for you to get over it before we become friends. You can’t seem to understand that. Think about it, when you and your ex broke up, did you become friends right away? And are you even friends now? Stop talking shit about me. Try looking at yourself first.]

You left the girl without even breaking it up formally. At least I had the balls to give ours closure. You know what I think? I think I have bigger balls than you do. You’re all dick.

So honestly, tell me. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do you want me to pay for everything I owed you? Do you want me to give back everything you bought for me? I would if I could. I honestly wish I could. Para hindi mo na ko masumbatan.[So you could stop telling me I’m ungrateful]

Ian told me to apologize and to do it in a nice way. I know it’s the right thing to do, so yes, I am sorry. I’m not saying this just because I was told to do so or because it’s what’s right. I am doing this to put this to a close and because I know you deserve an apology. Think what you want to think. Say what you want to say. You prolly hate me now for being a bitch towards you but what can I do? That’s how I am.

I just can’t be friends with someone who has feelings I cannot return. So what I intended to do was make you hate me until you’re over me. I guess I got that. Problem is, I honestly believed you can’t hate me this much. I mean, to the point na sinusumpa mo na ko. [I mean, to the point that you’re already condemning me.]

So much for I can never hate you. Liar. This is why I don’t believe such things. They aren’t possible.

And if you’re still wondering why I broke up with you, here is why:

1. You’re far. I never lied about it. Believe what you want to believe.

2. I can’t reason with you. You tell me I hate losing an argument, well so do you. I hate how you seem to think of yourself capable of changing the world. Wake up. You’re not an RPG hero. I, on the other hand, am facing reality and am being as realistic as I can.

3. I am not in love with you. I was before. Not anymore. If you think it’s not possible for someone to move on that quickly, think again.

4. You make me feel like a whore. You fuck me and pay me for it. That’s how it feels sometimes. I honestly regret ever believing you never wanted anything in return for what you do for me and give me. 

And about this:

d ko nmn bnabalikan ung dati ah. tapos na un. nkkabastos lng tlga ung gngwa nya. tpos ngdrama p cya sa gnagawa ko dw prang d ko naramdaman na mnahal nya ko dati. eh cno kya smn? d namamancn. makkipagusap man laging galit. cno kya smn ang wlang utang na loob? nkkapang init cya ng dugo. leche cya. gago.

after nung lahat ng ngyri smn, tpos nung ok na skn na mgkaibigan n lng kmi, ayw p dn nya? ano pakiramdam nung ganun? prang basahan d b? tinatapon n lng bgla. kung ayw nya magkaibigan eh d mgkaaway. bwisit cya ibabaon ko cya. tngnan lng ntn kung umunlad yng buhay nya.

Hindi ako nagdrama. That’s how you’re making it seem. Na ginamit lang kita. Tangina. Kung gwapo ka sana pwede mo yang sabihin sakin. Hindi ka naging trophy boyfriend because you don’t qualify as one. Murahin mo pa ko ng murahin. I’m not gonna pretend na hindi ako affected pero sana isipin mo man lang muna bago mo sabihin. I meant it when I said “Let’s be friends.” Unfortunately you thought it meant “Let’s be friends right after we break up.” It’s not like that. That, I think, is not possible.

[That wasn’t drama. That’s how you’re making it seem. That I just used you. Motherfucker. If you were hot then I guess you could tell me that. You were never a trophy boyfriend because you don’t qualify as one. Go ahead and curse me as much as you want. I’m not gonna pretend that I’m not affected but I hope you think before you speak.  I meant it when I said “Let’s be friends.” Unfortunately you thought it meant “Let’s be friends right after we break up.” It’s not like that. That, I think, is not possible.]

I guess this is what learning a lesson the hard way means. Don’t worry, you might just be the last man to get into a relationship with me. My last victim, if you find it more appropriate. I’ve had it with men.

We had good, no, great times together. And I honestly thought ours was the best relationship I’ve been into. But I think otherwise now; after reading those humiliating words from you. Hindi naman ako ang nasisira sa mga ginagawa mo eh. I could say that I have made a reputation for myself in this blog over the years. I’ve been totally honest with my audience, so wala kang masasabi na makakasira sakin. And should you want to be reminded of how much I honestly loved you in the past, read this again: Chasing Cars

[ We had good, no, great times together. And I honestly thought ours was the best relationship I’ve been into. But I think otherwise now; after reading those humiliating words from you. By doing this, I’m not the one you’re destroying.  I could say that I have made a reputation for myself in this blog over the years. I’ve been totally honest with my audience,so you can’t say anything that would destroy me. And should you want to be reminded of how much I honestly loved you in the past, read this again: Chasing Cars]