As Foretold

Cookie, my psychic friend, read my left palm. She said:

C: May relatives ka abroad.

K: Meron.

C: Karamihan sa relatives mo, nakapunta dahil din sa iba mo pang relatives di ba?

K: (amazed) Oo.

C: May chance na mangyari din yun sayo.

K: HA!? Ayokong umalis ng Pilipinas!

C: Seryoso. Hindi mo pa lang siguro naiisip ngayon.

K: …

Well, just yesterday my mom sent me an SMS, telling me to check out Alberta’s (CA) website. They’re having an immigrant nominee program and my uncle who lives there wants to sponsor me. I immediately replied, saying I don’t want to go to Canada.

I’m having second thoughts now. Pilipinas kong mahal. True enough, it’s mahal. Every fucking thing in the Philippines is expensive, except cigarettes I guess (thank goodness).  So maybe I would consider leaving if that meant having a better and a more fulfilling life. What I can’t handle though is the thought of living away from my family for years. I feel like crying already, just thinking about it.

I’d have to graduate first though. And that would be like… two years more.

I Wish I Could Buy Time

24 hours aren’t enough anymore. I don’t know what time I really wake up. Mondays start with me making my own breakfast because nobody at home knows how to do my eggs the way I like them. In the afternoon I pack my bags and get on a bus to Manila. I sleep for a few hours, two, three, or when sleep is trying to be stubborn, zero. I leave my apartment at around 10:30 and get to the office before 11. Work starts. Come lunch break, I get some precious zzzs and wake up just before the hour is over. I go back to work. My shift ends at 8. I grab a bite at the pantry and leave. I get to my apartment at around 8:30. I surf the internet until 11:30 or 12 when I’m feeling lazy. I shower afterwards. I dry my hair, put on whatever I feel like wearing and leave for school at 12:30. At 1 PM, I go to class. Tuesdays and Thursdays I stay in school until 5:30. Wednesdays and Thursdays I only have one class so I usually go home earlier.

I’m so tired now. I want to sleep. I don’t have enough time though. It’s 7:35 and I should be up by 10.

How Would You Know?

My mom constantly complains about my dad’s attitude. Once, she told me he used to do everything she had wanted him to do but now he hardly ever does. And so my question is, how would you know that a relationship won’t come to that point? Do happily-ever-afters really exist?

I am no expert in relationships. I’ve been in four, true, but the longest I’ve had lasted for only a year and a half. One only lasted for three months. I am no fairy tale princess, that I figured out, so there’s no point in waiting for a prince charming to arrive and save me from my fierce dragon guarded tower. I don’t need to be saved. I might just be better off staying in the tower and play cards with the dragon. Sheesh.

I’m frustrated. I like someone. That someone does not like me, which is like DUHSTORYOFYOURLIFEKAT. That’s not what’s frustrating though, it’s what I feel towards him that irritates me. I don’t see him. I seldom talk to him. We’re not even what you would consider close friends. A lot of other girls like him, and I’m just one of them.

Remember the song Creep? It hits me like a tornado. And it so happened that Radiohead is his favourite band so I just end up thinking about him more when I hear it.

Jj said I’m in love with him. I don’t think I am though. I might be in denial, I don’t know. I think… I think too much. Oh yeah.

I need to sleep but for some reason, I just can’t. I went downstairs to buy some cigarettes. I’m nicotine dependent. They say it’s a medical condition, so yeah everybody, I am sick.

He doesn’t smoke. And he doesn’t like girls that smoke. Girls like me don’t interest him.

So yeah, it’s basically hopeless. I don’t know what keeps me hoping though. And I don’t really know what it is I’m hoping for.

I digressed. I didn’t mean to write about him but he’s been all over my head. Yes, in my head. Not in my heart. I don’t believe in the heart.

On another note, I just found out that smoking Marlboro Lights while drinking orange juice leaves a tamarind-like after taste. I didn’t know it ’til I tried it.

So I guess that’s the answer to my question. There’s just no other way. Some people would say Only God knows. God won’t share what he knows though. He keeps it all to himself. What a selfish God.