A Different Kind of Love

I told Ayan, “I think I only like him because there’s no one else to like. Maybe I’m just fucking with myself when I say that I like him.”

She said, “Oh really? Is that why he’s all you ever talk and think about?”

I said “i <3 you” once.

Today I said “i love you” when he said “ima need some lovin”.

People say I’m pathetic. Maybe. He said “says who? that’s not pathetisism (is there such a word?). that’s frisky dingo.”

I asked, “wth is frisky dingo?”.

He just replied, “exactly”.

Maybe it really is pathetic, what I’m doing to make him notice me and talk to me. But I’m just trying to  be a little honest with myself.

So what if he doesn’t like me? It doesn’t need to be mutual for it to be love, does it?

Too bad he had to go offline. He said he’ll be back later but I doubt I’d even be awake when he comes back. I doubt I’d even have internet access by then.

Mommy Cher, Allan, and Ayan were talking about some serious stuff over beer this afternoon. I overheard a part of their conversation, which made me feel a lot better about my current situation. One of them said something about not giving a damn whether or not love is reciprocated, as long as you honestly admit to yourself what it is you really feel.

I’m still a little afraid of getting hurt, but I know it’s just going to be a little scratch.

So I’ve decided to be a little more honest from today on.<3

Love

I have written a few posts about my family. This will be one of them. I wrote my dad en e-mail last week, before my mom’s operation. She called me up the morning I asked her for his new e-mail address, telling me not to write him anymore. It was too late though, because I’ve already sent the e-mail when she called.

This is what I’ve written.

Da,I hope you’re not mad at me or anything, because I’m not holding any grudges against you or blaming you for anything. To be completely honest with you, I have always been proud to have you as my father and I have been vocal about it as well. It doesn’t show, I know. But whenever I’m around friends and we end up talking about our families, I always talk about you and how good a father you have always been to me and my brother. A lot of people had gotten the impression of me being a “daddy’s girl” and I could agree with them if I did not take into consideration the degree of communication that we had in the past years.

There is a kind of silence that exists within our home. There are things that cannot be said or talked about in the open. From how I see it, all four of us are rather private persons when within the home. Mama and I are an exception of course, and that might give you the impression that we share the same thoughts about and against you. I don’t know what runs through your train of thought. You are always so quiet and ever so often in a bad mood that it is almost impossible to approach you and talk to you.

Although I have long been gone from home and only stay for a few days, I have noticed your different moods. When you’re lively and happy, I feel glad myself. But recently, an air of gloom has always hung around you for a reason I cannot fathom.

I know that there are things that only you and Mama can talk about. I only hope that you can act as a pillar of strength for her, because I, in my absence, most certainly cannot. When I started crying that night in our room she told me, “E na ka gagaga, lalu kung mangayna”. And as much as I want to hold back my tears, I couldn’t, because I have been troubled by her current state ever since i found it out that I cry even when I’m at work, worrying about her.

The way I saw you that night, I could only feel sorry for her. I know how much she depends on you, although she tries not to. I hope you can be more supportive of her and avoid being grumpy around her. I most certainly want her to undergo the operation before it gets any worse. There are factors to consider, one being her high blood pressure. If I could only stay with her, I would.

Treat her more kindly, please. I know she gets into your nerves sometimes because she is being too makulit and doubtful of you, but please be patient with her.

I can’t talk to you about this face to face. I have never been good at doing so that’s why I just decided to write you an e-mail.

Good luck with your presentation, Mama told me you were making a PowerPoint presentation for something work-related. I wish you well, Da.

Mama’s operation is only two days away. Please don’t let anything stress her out. She has a tendency to think too much. And again, please please please try to be patient with her as much as you could. She, just like me and Kit, is scared of the old grumpy face you put on 75% of the time. You look like an old lion when you do that, you know. Or a kontra-bida in an old school local action movie.

Do it for all of us, please.
Love, Mae

He didn’t immediately reply. I only received the response today. And it made me so happy I cried. I cried so much.

This is his reply.

Dearest Mae,
Thank you for writing the e-mail and expressing your thoughts. I have always been proud of your ability to express what’s on your mind, especially in English. I am always like this, you know, unable to express my feelings. Perhaps it is in the way I was brought up in this world. Don’t they say: You can’t give what you don’t have? Even your mother says that I have a heart of stone, which is probably true to some extent. I am not always good at showing how I feel, or saying what I feel, or demonstrating what I feel, especially for you, your brother and your mother. I am always angry; that is my most dominant emotion - anger; it’s my doom.

                                                                                                                                         Dada

This interaction with my dad, no matter how impersonal it might be, made me very very happy. Yes, they call me Mae. Only my family calls me Mae. I love my dad. I love my family. I don’t know why I’m posting this. I’m really just happy right now.

Updates

If you’re interested, read on.

I’m broke. As per usual.

I spent the money I was supposed to pay my dentist for a pair of shoes I found on sale at CMG and a couple of shades of eyeshadow. I don’t know why I even bother to dress up when there’s no one to impress. I love my new shoes! I don’t care anymore if I get achy feet after a few hours. LOL. High heels = LOVE.

One day I’m gonna get my hands on a pair of 4″ stilletos. Teehee.

 **

Bad News:

My mom’s sick. She has Myoma and is hypertensive. I’m really worried about her getting an operation. I want to go home and take care of her. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Really. I am crying as I write this. Just last night I told Ayan about it and I couldn’t help but cry as I tell her just how worried I am about my mom and how I hate my dad and my brother for being inconsiderate and insensitive assholes.

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I’m listening to emo again. BUT I also have a small collection of Pop, House, and R&B tunes in my iPod. My taste for music has definitely changed.

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I’m still fat. No surprise.